Weekend Fun- Not So Fun

This week end I thought was going to be boring like always but it was actually realy nice I could not help but smile the whole time, on saturday we went to my parents freinds house for a little while, then on sunday we went to eat out in a mexican resturant my little brother was making me laugh so hard and onh monday the first real hot day we went to the beach it was awsome but I almost died of heat. But then my parents started fighting it's so stressfull to hear them fight that it ruened the rest of my night I was so disapointed we were soposed to go home and watch a movie but insted I went to sleep I could not take it and I felt that if I was in the same place they were in I would burst ,so I stayed away. so much for a fun day.

Nightmares

A dream is supposed to tell you how you really feel is it not? Then why am I having nightmares so realistic. I was sleeping calmly one minute, the next something pokes me hard in the ribs, it felt so real that I jumped and I had to look all around, I am not the kind of person that gets scared easily but I’m not used to being poked in the middle of the night so I freaked, I have had experiences like that when I was five but that was a long time ago and I thought it was just my imagination, I would wake up with big scratches all over my stomach but my parents said I was the one that scratched myself at night , the thing is that I don’t know if it was or not ,what I do know is that what happened that night  felt so real it still gives me goose bumps and then theirs the dreams where I fall of a cliff or some sort of mountain, but the one that I will not forget is the one were I’m standing on some metal structure surrounded by water and everyone is falling of while I just stand their un able to help or speak to tell them to hold on, it felt horrible to see them drowning and screaming for help and I wonder why I did not fall with them. It was more like I was looking at them from behind a veil yet was standing in the same place. There is more weird dreams I’ve had some are not so memorable. Two months ago I had a dream were I was dressed like back in the medieval times big red puffy dress, I was standing in a dark hall with my aunt looking at a painting on the wall of a very ugly dog, I know it was me in the dream but the person didn’t look like me, anyway I was telling my aunt that the dog was the ugliest dog I had ever seen and she replied that I shouldn’t say that because the dog could have bin me in my past life then she walked away. I still don’t know what that means but it got me thinking allot about the possibility of the meaning. Maybe it means that I’m changing in some way and I should fix that before I do something I regret or it means that I’m judging people wrongly, maybe its just a normal weird dream like everyone else thinks but I know it happened for a reason maybe I watched a movie before that triggered me to dream about that but I honestly don’t remember.

I've  had dreams were i walk in a great dark forest.

In that dream i walk alone.

I contmplate the moon and stars and wonder how far up they actually are.

I walk around in circles and stare at the path , a path that i cant ever take.

Unexplained

My sister told me she felt like she was being stabbed multiple times during school today , it scared  me  but I did not know what to tell her, then my sister said she had a dream that she was stabbed in the back again creepy it made me remember a whole bunch of stories my family told me when we still lived  together , they told me that there houses were always hunted almost ass if the ghost fallowed them around , not all people believe in ghost I know that but I do and with all these unexplained things going on I’m starting to think they were telling the truth ether that or someone put a curse on my family that's making us all crazy and paranoid. My dad and I hear voices and hear people calling our name, my sisters feel stabbed, my brothers say they can’t control their own mind and that someone keeps telling them to do things they shouldn't do. my mom is the only one that doesn't believe in any of it she tells us we are crazy and that she’s going to take us to a psychiatrist, I hate the psychiatrist they lie to much they say that what you tell them is private but I know it isn't because my parents would always know what I told them, that's violating my privacy. I try to find out what I have by researching  for different kinds of stuff with the same symptom's, I've looked for schizophrenia and other similar things but don't you think if I had any of those disorders I would not even consider them in the first place. Then theirs the extreme karma I have been getting I can’t do anything anymore without something bad happening afterwards. I plan to go to my friend’s house, my car gets messed up and I can’t go anymore. I want to go to school, I need to baby sit instead so that my parents can go to work, I plan to buy something I have wanted for a long time, and somebody needs the money so I don’t get to buy it again. I am so clumsy to I trip allot I can’t even walk strait I walk on a zigzag kind of way, my balance is worse I would not survive walking on a rope I would fall to my death . I don’t really know what’s going on and its driving me crazy I need to go to someone that mite be able to answer my question.

I wish I could scream

I wish I could scream from the top of my lungs a deep blood curling scream that would make even the toughest person jump, but I can’t, I open my mouth ready to let it out but nothing comes out. I cant keep bottle ling up my feelings because its driving me crazy my parents ask me watts wrong and all I do is smile up at them and say nothing I’m fine just a little tired, I am tired but not for the reasons they think, I’m tired of the lying, I’m tired of the anger, I’m tired of the pain, I’m tired of the dumb things, I’m tired of the craziness, I’m tired of hiding what I really feel. I try to protect my sisters and my brothers I try to keep them going so that they don’t start feeling defeated but they are growing up and meeting new people, I’m afraid they will stop caring about what I say, that they are going to do what they see other people do just to fit in even if I tell them fitting in dose not mater and that their lives mite be short lived if they follow the example of gang members. I try to help my parents as much as I can though lately I have been feeling like its not even worth it, like maybe I should stop trying to help those who don't want to be helped so that I can move on with my life once and for all. I hope some day someone can help me understand what is going on because I'm not sure how much longer I can take this, I don't know if I will ever feel better. When I close my eyes I remember when I was just a little girl, careless, happy and free, I never had to worry about anything or take care of anybody, and all I would think about were toys and games, when they would ask me what I want to be when I grew up I would answer a doctor or a nurse. I was so set on that, but now sitting here and remembering I noticed how naive I was, how I thought everything would be so easy and fast, when in reality it’s difficult and takes allot of time. Nothing is ever easy I know that now I learned it the hard way, I was pushed to grow up and take on a responsibility that shouldn’t have been mine but now it is and I have to assume that responsibility as hard as that responsibility mite be. I just hope that will be enough to keep my family together.

Inside My Head

Yesterday I realized how tired I was because I started hearing people screaming my name or maybe it was my self screaming from the inside. I always have to pretend I am fine but I am not fine I always worry about things I shouldn’t worry about, and I get stressed out over what to do to help and how to do something to help without having stop going to school. It’s not easy to see your parents fighting over different possibilities on what to do with their children, they have even considered sending us to live with aunts and uncles that live in different places, my brothers and sisters wouldn’t like that neither would I, we wouldn’t be happy, yes I am planning on moving soon but that’s different I can come visit every day and I can call them, but if they send us away that would be almost impossible I am only one person I cant divide my self in two though I wish I could, things would be much easier. My parents always tell me everything will be fine but at this point I don’t believe them anymore so many things have happened this year that I’ve learned not to get my hopes up. I feel like someone is trying to hurt my family out of revenge for something I did to them even if I don’t know what that thing is, I wish I could remember if their was something I ever did to someone that would be so bad that they want to get revenge now and will not stop at any cost to get it and make my life a living hell. The thought of it has me paranoid to the extent that now I think everyone is spying on me and I always feel like they are following me around, I can’t trust anybody anymore, not my family nor my friends not even my self. I talk to myself sometimes trying to find the answers hidden on my very soul, I know it sounds crazy but it’s the truth and I’m not the only one that dose it I’ve seen other people do it when they think they are alone, the thing is that I’m so quiet it takes people time to finally notice me. And then theirs the shadows, I’m seeing shadows move around, I could be reading or watching TV and all of a sudden I see something dart around the room out of my periphery vision it sends chills up my spine. I tried to tell my parents once they looked at me weird so from now on I’m not going to tell them anything anymore and risk them putting me in the loony bin.

Freinds

Today I realized how much I miss my friends my old school and my old house. It used to be five of us I can't say their names but they know who they are, we didn't belong in any other group in school, not with the Preppy, not with the emo, not with the Ghetto, nor with the Girly or Goths, because we have never liked to put a title over our heads, we believe we are who we are for a reason not because we want to fit in with any crowd, we accepted each other with all our flaws and imperfections because we never liked to judge, we weren’t all skinny or all big we never chose our group based on size. We would welcome people to our lunch table if they wanted to sit and talk to us, and we would always meet after school to say goodbye and ask about each others day, we never fought for dumb things and if we did fight it was over fast and what I love the most is that we never let anything get in between our friendship not even when we had different opinions about something .Then I had to move and I rarely see them I call them once in a while but its not the same as talking in person , when I call them on the phone they tell me they miss me to not in those exact words but in a certain way that lets me know that’s what they are trying to say , we talk about the old time the funny things that happened when I was still there, we talk about freshmen year when we met how funny it was that we met by other people and became real close. Art class was my favorite class in freshmen year because no one could tell us how to draw what we were supposed to draw because art is supposed to be free, it’s supposed to express how we feel and how we view the world, art is not supposed to be restricted to something specific that makes you feel trapped. My friends always understood boundaries in a different way, if a line was worth crossing we crossed it if it wasn’t we didn’t even try we could go days talking about things that other people would find weird and we would always keep an eye out for things that did not feel right to us because we have always felt that there are more things out their that people are keeping secret but that once in a while sneak out little by little. I know theirs allot of distance now with were we live but we are still close friends, and it dose not mater how long we take to call we talk like if it was no time at all and we were still living close by and seeing each other after school.