Nightmares

A dream is supposed to tell you how you really feel is it not? Then why am I having nightmares so realistic. I was sleeping calmly one minute, the next something pokes me hard in the ribs, it felt so real that I jumped and I had to look all around, I am not the kind of person that gets scared easily but I’m not used to being poked in the middle of the night so I freaked, I have had experiences like that when I was five but that was a long time ago and I thought it was just my imagination, I would wake up with big scratches all over my stomach but my parents said I was the one that scratched myself at night , the thing is that I don’t know if it was or not ,what I do know is that what happened that night  felt so real it still gives me goose bumps and then theirs the dreams where I fall of a cliff or some sort of mountain, but the one that I will not forget is the one were I’m standing on some metal structure surrounded by water and everyone is falling of while I just stand their un able to help or speak to tell them to hold on, it felt horrible to see them drowning and screaming for help and I wonder why I did not fall with them. It was more like I was looking at them from behind a veil yet was standing in the same place. There is more weird dreams I’ve had some are not so memorable. Two months ago I had a dream were I was dressed like back in the medieval times big red puffy dress, I was standing in a dark hall with my aunt looking at a painting on the wall of a very ugly dog, I know it was me in the dream but the person didn’t look like me, anyway I was telling my aunt that the dog was the ugliest dog I had ever seen and she replied that I shouldn’t say that because the dog could have bin me in my past life then she walked away. I still don’t know what that means but it got me thinking allot about the possibility of the meaning. Maybe it means that I’m changing in some way and I should fix that before I do something I regret or it means that I’m judging people wrongly, maybe its just a normal weird dream like everyone else thinks but I know it happened for a reason maybe I watched a movie before that triggered me to dream about that but I honestly don’t remember.

I've  had dreams were i walk in a great dark forest.

In that dream i walk alone.

I contmplate the moon and stars and wonder how far up they actually are.

I walk around in circles and stare at the path , a path that i cant ever take.

Unexplained

My sister told me she felt like she was being stabbed multiple times during school today , it scared  me  but I did not know what to tell her, then my sister said she had a dream that she was stabbed in the back again creepy it made me remember a whole bunch of stories my family told me when we still lived  together , they told me that there houses were always hunted almost ass if the ghost fallowed them around , not all people believe in ghost I know that but I do and with all these unexplained things going on I’m starting to think they were telling the truth ether that or someone put a curse on my family that's making us all crazy and paranoid. My dad and I hear voices and hear people calling our name, my sisters feel stabbed, my brothers say they can’t control their own mind and that someone keeps telling them to do things they shouldn't do. my mom is the only one that doesn't believe in any of it she tells us we are crazy and that she’s going to take us to a psychiatrist, I hate the psychiatrist they lie to much they say that what you tell them is private but I know it isn't because my parents would always know what I told them, that's violating my privacy. I try to find out what I have by researching  for different kinds of stuff with the same symptom's, I've looked for schizophrenia and other similar things but don't you think if I had any of those disorders I would not even consider them in the first place. Then theirs the extreme karma I have been getting I can’t do anything anymore without something bad happening afterwards. I plan to go to my friend’s house, my car gets messed up and I can’t go anymore. I want to go to school, I need to baby sit instead so that my parents can go to work, I plan to buy something I have wanted for a long time, and somebody needs the money so I don’t get to buy it again. I am so clumsy to I trip allot I can’t even walk strait I walk on a zigzag kind of way, my balance is worse I would not survive walking on a rope I would fall to my death . I don’t really know what’s going on and its driving me crazy I need to go to someone that mite be able to answer my question.

I wish I could scream

I wish I could scream from the top of my lungs a deep blood curling scream that would make even the toughest person jump, but I can’t, I open my mouth ready to let it out but nothing comes out. I cant keep bottle ling up my feelings because its driving me crazy my parents ask me watts wrong and all I do is smile up at them and say nothing I’m fine just a little tired, I am tired but not for the reasons they think, I’m tired of the lying, I’m tired of the anger, I’m tired of the pain, I’m tired of the dumb things, I’m tired of the craziness, I’m tired of hiding what I really feel. I try to protect my sisters and my brothers I try to keep them going so that they don’t start feeling defeated but they are growing up and meeting new people, I’m afraid they will stop caring about what I say, that they are going to do what they see other people do just to fit in even if I tell them fitting in dose not mater and that their lives mite be short lived if they follow the example of gang members. I try to help my parents as much as I can though lately I have been feeling like its not even worth it, like maybe I should stop trying to help those who don't want to be helped so that I can move on with my life once and for all. I hope some day someone can help me understand what is going on because I'm not sure how much longer I can take this, I don't know if I will ever feel better. When I close my eyes I remember when I was just a little girl, careless, happy and free, I never had to worry about anything or take care of anybody, and all I would think about were toys and games, when they would ask me what I want to be when I grew up I would answer a doctor or a nurse. I was so set on that, but now sitting here and remembering I noticed how naive I was, how I thought everything would be so easy and fast, when in reality it’s difficult and takes allot of time. Nothing is ever easy I know that now I learned it the hard way, I was pushed to grow up and take on a responsibility that shouldn’t have been mine but now it is and I have to assume that responsibility as hard as that responsibility mite be. I just hope that will be enough to keep my family together.