Weekend Fun- Not So Fun

This week end I thought was going to be boring like always but it was actually realy nice I could not help but smile the whole time, on saturday we went to my parents freinds house for a little while, then on sunday we went to eat out in a mexican resturant my little brother was making me laugh so hard and onh monday the first real hot day we went to the beach it was awsome but I almost died of heat. But then my parents started fighting it's so stressfull to hear them fight that it ruened the rest of my night I was so disapointed we were soposed to go home and watch a movie but insted I went to sleep I could not take it and I felt that if I was in the same place they were in I would burst ,so I stayed away. so much for a fun day.

Nightmares

A dream is supposed to tell you how you really feel is it not? Then why am I having nightmares so realistic. I was sleeping calmly one minute, the next something pokes me hard in the ribs, it felt so real that I jumped and I had to look all around, I am not the kind of person that gets scared easily but I’m not used to being poked in the middle of the night so I freaked, I have had experiences like that when I was five but that was a long time ago and I thought it was just my imagination, I would wake up with big scratches all over my stomach but my parents said I was the one that scratched myself at night , the thing is that I don’t know if it was or not ,what I do know is that what happened that night  felt so real it still gives me goose bumps and then theirs the dreams where I fall of a cliff or some sort of mountain, but the one that I will not forget is the one were I’m standing on some metal structure surrounded by water and everyone is falling of while I just stand their un able to help or speak to tell them to hold on, it felt horrible to see them drowning and screaming for help and I wonder why I did not fall with them. It was more like I was looking at them from behind a veil yet was standing in the same place. There is more weird dreams I’ve had some are not so memorable. Two months ago I had a dream were I was dressed like back in the medieval times big red puffy dress, I was standing in a dark hall with my aunt looking at a painting on the wall of a very ugly dog, I know it was me in the dream but the person didn’t look like me, anyway I was telling my aunt that the dog was the ugliest dog I had ever seen and she replied that I shouldn’t say that because the dog could have bin me in my past life then she walked away. I still don’t know what that means but it got me thinking allot about the possibility of the meaning. Maybe it means that I’m changing in some way and I should fix that before I do something I regret or it means that I’m judging people wrongly, maybe its just a normal weird dream like everyone else thinks but I know it happened for a reason maybe I watched a movie before that triggered me to dream about that but I honestly don’t remember.

I've  had dreams were i walk in a great dark forest.

In that dream i walk alone.

I contmplate the moon and stars and wonder how far up they actually are.

I walk around in circles and stare at the path , a path that i cant ever take.

Unexplained

My sister told me she felt like she was being stabbed multiple times during school today , it scared  me  but I did not know what to tell her, then my sister said she had a dream that she was stabbed in the back again creepy it made me remember a whole bunch of stories my family told me when we still lived  together , they told me that there houses were always hunted almost ass if the ghost fallowed them around , not all people believe in ghost I know that but I do and with all these unexplained things going on I’m starting to think they were telling the truth ether that or someone put a curse on my family that's making us all crazy and paranoid. My dad and I hear voices and hear people calling our name, my sisters feel stabbed, my brothers say they can’t control their own mind and that someone keeps telling them to do things they shouldn't do. my mom is the only one that doesn't believe in any of it she tells us we are crazy and that she’s going to take us to a psychiatrist, I hate the psychiatrist they lie to much they say that what you tell them is private but I know it isn't because my parents would always know what I told them, that's violating my privacy. I try to find out what I have by researching  for different kinds of stuff with the same symptom's, I've looked for schizophrenia and other similar things but don't you think if I had any of those disorders I would not even consider them in the first place. Then theirs the extreme karma I have been getting I can’t do anything anymore without something bad happening afterwards. I plan to go to my friend’s house, my car gets messed up and I can’t go anymore. I want to go to school, I need to baby sit instead so that my parents can go to work, I plan to buy something I have wanted for a long time, and somebody needs the money so I don’t get to buy it again. I am so clumsy to I trip allot I can’t even walk strait I walk on a zigzag kind of way, my balance is worse I would not survive walking on a rope I would fall to my death . I don’t really know what’s going on and its driving me crazy I need to go to someone that mite be able to answer my question.

I wish I could scream

I wish I could scream from the top of my lungs a deep blood curling scream that would make even the toughest person jump, but I can’t, I open my mouth ready to let it out but nothing comes out. I cant keep bottle ling up my feelings because its driving me crazy my parents ask me watts wrong and all I do is smile up at them and say nothing I’m fine just a little tired, I am tired but not for the reasons they think, I’m tired of the lying, I’m tired of the anger, I’m tired of the pain, I’m tired of the dumb things, I’m tired of the craziness, I’m tired of hiding what I really feel. I try to protect my sisters and my brothers I try to keep them going so that they don’t start feeling defeated but they are growing up and meeting new people, I’m afraid they will stop caring about what I say, that they are going to do what they see other people do just to fit in even if I tell them fitting in dose not mater and that their lives mite be short lived if they follow the example of gang members. I try to help my parents as much as I can though lately I have been feeling like its not even worth it, like maybe I should stop trying to help those who don't want to be helped so that I can move on with my life once and for all. I hope some day someone can help me understand what is going on because I'm not sure how much longer I can take this, I don't know if I will ever feel better. When I close my eyes I remember when I was just a little girl, careless, happy and free, I never had to worry about anything or take care of anybody, and all I would think about were toys and games, when they would ask me what I want to be when I grew up I would answer a doctor or a nurse. I was so set on that, but now sitting here and remembering I noticed how naive I was, how I thought everything would be so easy and fast, when in reality it’s difficult and takes allot of time. Nothing is ever easy I know that now I learned it the hard way, I was pushed to grow up and take on a responsibility that shouldn’t have been mine but now it is and I have to assume that responsibility as hard as that responsibility mite be. I just hope that will be enough to keep my family together.

Inside My Head

Yesterday I realized how tired I was because I started hearing people screaming my name or maybe it was my self screaming from the inside. I always have to pretend I am fine but I am not fine I always worry about things I shouldn’t worry about, and I get stressed out over what to do to help and how to do something to help without having stop going to school. It’s not easy to see your parents fighting over different possibilities on what to do with their children, they have even considered sending us to live with aunts and uncles that live in different places, my brothers and sisters wouldn’t like that neither would I, we wouldn’t be happy, yes I am planning on moving soon but that’s different I can come visit every day and I can call them, but if they send us away that would be almost impossible I am only one person I cant divide my self in two though I wish I could, things would be much easier. My parents always tell me everything will be fine but at this point I don’t believe them anymore so many things have happened this year that I’ve learned not to get my hopes up. I feel like someone is trying to hurt my family out of revenge for something I did to them even if I don’t know what that thing is, I wish I could remember if their was something I ever did to someone that would be so bad that they want to get revenge now and will not stop at any cost to get it and make my life a living hell. The thought of it has me paranoid to the extent that now I think everyone is spying on me and I always feel like they are following me around, I can’t trust anybody anymore, not my family nor my friends not even my self. I talk to myself sometimes trying to find the answers hidden on my very soul, I know it sounds crazy but it’s the truth and I’m not the only one that dose it I’ve seen other people do it when they think they are alone, the thing is that I’m so quiet it takes people time to finally notice me. And then theirs the shadows, I’m seeing shadows move around, I could be reading or watching TV and all of a sudden I see something dart around the room out of my periphery vision it sends chills up my spine. I tried to tell my parents once they looked at me weird so from now on I’m not going to tell them anything anymore and risk them putting me in the loony bin.

Freinds

Today I realized how much I miss my friends my old school and my old house. It used to be five of us I can't say their names but they know who they are, we didn't belong in any other group in school, not with the Preppy, not with the emo, not with the Ghetto, nor with the Girly or Goths, because we have never liked to put a title over our heads, we believe we are who we are for a reason not because we want to fit in with any crowd, we accepted each other with all our flaws and imperfections because we never liked to judge, we weren’t all skinny or all big we never chose our group based on size. We would welcome people to our lunch table if they wanted to sit and talk to us, and we would always meet after school to say goodbye and ask about each others day, we never fought for dumb things and if we did fight it was over fast and what I love the most is that we never let anything get in between our friendship not even when we had different opinions about something .Then I had to move and I rarely see them I call them once in a while but its not the same as talking in person , when I call them on the phone they tell me they miss me to not in those exact words but in a certain way that lets me know that’s what they are trying to say , we talk about the old time the funny things that happened when I was still there, we talk about freshmen year when we met how funny it was that we met by other people and became real close. Art class was my favorite class in freshmen year because no one could tell us how to draw what we were supposed to draw because art is supposed to be free, it’s supposed to express how we feel and how we view the world, art is not supposed to be restricted to something specific that makes you feel trapped. My friends always understood boundaries in a different way, if a line was worth crossing we crossed it if it wasn’t we didn’t even try we could go days talking about things that other people would find weird and we would always keep an eye out for things that did not feel right to us because we have always felt that there are more things out their that people are keeping secret but that once in a while sneak out little by little. I know theirs allot of distance now with were we live but we are still close friends, and it dose not mater how long we take to call we talk like if it was no time at all and we were still living close by and seeing each other after school.

Divided Familly

I went to visit my cousin's Sunday and on my way I started wondering, why is it that even in family we separate our self's into two different groups the close group and the not so close group, almost like if we were strangers. Why can’t we greet each other with like we actually miss each other and talk normally like we actually care about watt’s going on. I used to live with my cousin’s; they are like brothers to me. I see my other cousin's and I can’t even talk to them because it feels so uncomfortable, their smiles are nothing but practiced courtesy towards us. My parents tell us its not nice to pretend they aren’t there, but I really don’t know what to talk to them about, school, friends, life, then what just stare at the floor in uncomfortable silence, I think I rather not talk to them at all, just say hi. Maybe if we had gone to visit them more often things would be different. The only place every one of us comes together is on funerals, wish I think is sad because not even then do we get together because we want to but because we have to. When I was younger I did not even care about it because I was used to it but now I’m starting to become more aware of things and it bothers me, When I think about family I think of unity and unity is something my family does not possess, not all of it anyway. Then theirs the other thing that keeps our family separated money one side of our family makes more money than the other not mine thank god for that because I would not like turning into such a selfish show of, oh my dad bought me this, my dad bought me that it's really annoying and instead of helping they just turn around and pretend they didn't here you. I think the part of the family that helps out the most is the one that dose not make allot of money because they help with what they can even when money is more scarce then before. Someday I would like to be a whole family but who knows if we will ever be able to get over our cold attitudes towards each other and forget about the past , it’s very difficult to forget stuff people do to us but for some reason I think we should all take the risk of starting over with our family at least.

Time Is Slow

.
This whole week I got up in the morning, got ready for school and came back home feeling like I was a hundred year old zombie, everything anyone told me went in one ear and out the other, I'm not used to that I'm used to always paying attention but this week I have bin to stressed out to keep focused, I'm to worried about what's going on in my life with my family and with my Friends, I feel like I'm trapped in some weird bubble that makes me watch things from a distance without being able to do anything about it, sometimes I even blame my self for what's happening, my sisters are going in the wrong direction, my parents are so stressed out they start to fight allot, and I'm loosing contact with my closest Friends because I never really have time for my self anymore. and then I start to think what if we loose one of our parents what am I going to do, how am I going to take care of my family if I’m still in school and I want to graduate and become someone in life, how can I tell them I’m not ready for that much responsibility without making them hate me. My family thinks I’m just stressed out because of school but that’s not true, it’s like if all the anger and frustration I have bin keeping inside all these years is finally coming out or more like forcing itself out and I can’t stop it.I start to think about hurting people if they hurt someone i love i know their is other people that think the same way only i don't think they think about it like i do it makes me feel evil,and when i draw people getting eaten by monsters my sisters already know im mad they don't even have to ask, All my family thinks im the nicest person in the family but they don't know everything about me,they say they do but really they don't , I feel terrible keeping things from them but in order to keep my family sane it's better if i never tell them anything, why give them more problems, and make them worry about the unnecessary.

Growing Up

Many people look at me and go wow! What is wrong with her, is she out of her mind? Or why does she never talk? Has anyone ever considered that maybe I have nothing to say, or I just don't want to talk, it's not always because I'm shy. I used to let things like this bother me but now I just don't care anymore, yet it still aggravates me that we have to have a reason to do certain things why not just jump out and do it for no reason at all, Why live fixated on making everything the way it has to be rather than just how you picture it once in a while, why not take another rout home or another hallway to get to class instead of doing the same thing every day. Sometimes I feel like our lives are scheduled into our mind , wake up ,get ready, go to school, go home, eat, do homework, go to sleep, repeat. It's boring I like to try new things and exploring new places but I have to many things to do in my life that accomplishing something fun is almost impossible, Ever since I was thirteen I had to baby-sit, cook, change dippers and watch my brothers play outside to make sure they didn't get run over instead of going with my friends. I was treated like an adult when I was fifteen, yea I know some of you think that's great  but its really not you get so many responsibilities that you aren't supposed to have at that age, if something happened you get blamed for it because your supposed to be the responsible one. I never really had time for Friends because my parents would always go out and now when I thought I would finally be able to do what ever I wanted to do I cant because they decided that now was the time to treat me like a child. They say they always get me what I want but that’s not true they only give me what they want, if I ask to go to a concert they tell me no, if I ask to go to the movies they say no, if I ask to go walk around the park they say no. so then what am I supposed to do runaway to do everything I always wanted to do, I Don’t think that’s such a good idea yet its still tempting. I have considered it before but I never go through with it.

Not What It Seems

   I walk around  the hallways of my school wondering about the different kinds of life's i see. Theirs people that look like they have the greatest life but when you look a Little closer you realize it's not true that they are trying to hide what really goes on in their life. you realize that just because a person looks quiet dos not mean they never talk ,that if a person acts mean dose not mean they cant be nice and that if a person talks about somebody else and what they have its not always because it makes them cool but because they are jealous. And then then theirs instant's when you spot that supposedly tough boy or girl crying by the stare case and you realize that their tough side comes from anger berried very deep inside. I always try to picture my self seeing life from their perspective so i can better understand why they do what they do. I don't like to judge people for what they do because i feel their has to be a reason why they do it ,just like theirs a reason i do what i do.