Inside My Head

Yesterday I realized how tired I was because I started hearing people screaming my name or maybe it was my self screaming from the inside. I always have to pretend I am fine but I am not fine I always worry about things I shouldn’t worry about, and I get stressed out over what to do to help and how to do something to help without having stop going to school. It’s not easy to see your parents fighting over different possibilities on what to do with their children, they have even considered sending us to live with aunts and uncles that live in different places, my brothers and sisters wouldn’t like that neither would I, we wouldn’t be happy, yes I am planning on moving soon but that’s different I can come visit every day and I can call them, but if they send us away that would be almost impossible I am only one person I cant divide my self in two though I wish I could, things would be much easier. My parents always tell me everything will be fine but at this point I don’t believe them anymore so many things have happened this year that I’ve learned not to get my hopes up. I feel like someone is trying to hurt my family out of revenge for something I did to them even if I don’t know what that thing is, I wish I could remember if their was something I ever did to someone that would be so bad that they want to get revenge now and will not stop at any cost to get it and make my life a living hell. The thought of it has me paranoid to the extent that now I think everyone is spying on me and I always feel like they are following me around, I can’t trust anybody anymore, not my family nor my friends not even my self. I talk to myself sometimes trying to find the answers hidden on my very soul, I know it sounds crazy but it’s the truth and I’m not the only one that dose it I’ve seen other people do it when they think they are alone, the thing is that I’m so quiet it takes people time to finally notice me. And then theirs the shadows, I’m seeing shadows move around, I could be reading or watching TV and all of a sudden I see something dart around the room out of my periphery vision it sends chills up my spine. I tried to tell my parents once they looked at me weird so from now on I’m not going to tell them anything anymore and risk them putting me in the loony bin.

Freinds

Today I realized how much I miss my friends my old school and my old house. It used to be five of us I can't say their names but they know who they are, we didn't belong in any other group in school, not with the Preppy, not with the emo, not with the Ghetto, nor with the Girly or Goths, because we have never liked to put a title over our heads, we believe we are who we are for a reason not because we want to fit in with any crowd, we accepted each other with all our flaws and imperfections because we never liked to judge, we weren’t all skinny or all big we never chose our group based on size. We would welcome people to our lunch table if they wanted to sit and talk to us, and we would always meet after school to say goodbye and ask about each others day, we never fought for dumb things and if we did fight it was over fast and what I love the most is that we never let anything get in between our friendship not even when we had different opinions about something .Then I had to move and I rarely see them I call them once in a while but its not the same as talking in person , when I call them on the phone they tell me they miss me to not in those exact words but in a certain way that lets me know that’s what they are trying to say , we talk about the old time the funny things that happened when I was still there, we talk about freshmen year when we met how funny it was that we met by other people and became real close. Art class was my favorite class in freshmen year because no one could tell us how to draw what we were supposed to draw because art is supposed to be free, it’s supposed to express how we feel and how we view the world, art is not supposed to be restricted to something specific that makes you feel trapped. My friends always understood boundaries in a different way, if a line was worth crossing we crossed it if it wasn’t we didn’t even try we could go days talking about things that other people would find weird and we would always keep an eye out for things that did not feel right to us because we have always felt that there are more things out their that people are keeping secret but that once in a while sneak out little by little. I know theirs allot of distance now with were we live but we are still close friends, and it dose not mater how long we take to call we talk like if it was no time at all and we were still living close by and seeing each other after school.

Divided Familly

I went to visit my cousin's Sunday and on my way I started wondering, why is it that even in family we separate our self's into two different groups the close group and the not so close group, almost like if we were strangers. Why can’t we greet each other with like we actually miss each other and talk normally like we actually care about watt’s going on. I used to live with my cousin’s; they are like brothers to me. I see my other cousin's and I can’t even talk to them because it feels so uncomfortable, their smiles are nothing but practiced courtesy towards us. My parents tell us its not nice to pretend they aren’t there, but I really don’t know what to talk to them about, school, friends, life, then what just stare at the floor in uncomfortable silence, I think I rather not talk to them at all, just say hi. Maybe if we had gone to visit them more often things would be different. The only place every one of us comes together is on funerals, wish I think is sad because not even then do we get together because we want to but because we have to. When I was younger I did not even care about it because I was used to it but now I’m starting to become more aware of things and it bothers me, When I think about family I think of unity and unity is something my family does not possess, not all of it anyway. Then theirs the other thing that keeps our family separated money one side of our family makes more money than the other not mine thank god for that because I would not like turning into such a selfish show of, oh my dad bought me this, my dad bought me that it's really annoying and instead of helping they just turn around and pretend they didn't here you. I think the part of the family that helps out the most is the one that dose not make allot of money because they help with what they can even when money is more scarce then before. Someday I would like to be a whole family but who knows if we will ever be able to get over our cold attitudes towards each other and forget about the past , it’s very difficult to forget stuff people do to us but for some reason I think we should all take the risk of starting over with our family at least.

Time Is Slow

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This whole week I got up in the morning, got ready for school and came back home feeling like I was a hundred year old zombie, everything anyone told me went in one ear and out the other, I'm not used to that I'm used to always paying attention but this week I have bin to stressed out to keep focused, I'm to worried about what's going on in my life with my family and with my Friends, I feel like I'm trapped in some weird bubble that makes me watch things from a distance without being able to do anything about it, sometimes I even blame my self for what's happening, my sisters are going in the wrong direction, my parents are so stressed out they start to fight allot, and I'm loosing contact with my closest Friends because I never really have time for my self anymore. and then I start to think what if we loose one of our parents what am I going to do, how am I going to take care of my family if I’m still in school and I want to graduate and become someone in life, how can I tell them I’m not ready for that much responsibility without making them hate me. My family thinks I’m just stressed out because of school but that’s not true, it’s like if all the anger and frustration I have bin keeping inside all these years is finally coming out or more like forcing itself out and I can’t stop it.I start to think about hurting people if they hurt someone i love i know their is other people that think the same way only i don't think they think about it like i do it makes me feel evil,and when i draw people getting eaten by monsters my sisters already know im mad they don't even have to ask, All my family thinks im the nicest person in the family but they don't know everything about me,they say they do but really they don't , I feel terrible keeping things from them but in order to keep my family sane it's better if i never tell them anything, why give them more problems, and make them worry about the unnecessary.

Growing Up

Many people look at me and go wow! What is wrong with her, is she out of her mind? Or why does she never talk? Has anyone ever considered that maybe I have nothing to say, or I just don't want to talk, it's not always because I'm shy. I used to let things like this bother me but now I just don't care anymore, yet it still aggravates me that we have to have a reason to do certain things why not just jump out and do it for no reason at all, Why live fixated on making everything the way it has to be rather than just how you picture it once in a while, why not take another rout home or another hallway to get to class instead of doing the same thing every day. Sometimes I feel like our lives are scheduled into our mind , wake up ,get ready, go to school, go home, eat, do homework, go to sleep, repeat. It's boring I like to try new things and exploring new places but I have to many things to do in my life that accomplishing something fun is almost impossible, Ever since I was thirteen I had to baby-sit, cook, change dippers and watch my brothers play outside to make sure they didn't get run over instead of going with my friends. I was treated like an adult when I was fifteen, yea I know some of you think that's great  but its really not you get so many responsibilities that you aren't supposed to have at that age, if something happened you get blamed for it because your supposed to be the responsible one. I never really had time for Friends because my parents would always go out and now when I thought I would finally be able to do what ever I wanted to do I cant because they decided that now was the time to treat me like a child. They say they always get me what I want but that’s not true they only give me what they want, if I ask to go to a concert they tell me no, if I ask to go to the movies they say no, if I ask to go walk around the park they say no. so then what am I supposed to do runaway to do everything I always wanted to do, I Don’t think that’s such a good idea yet its still tempting. I have considered it before but I never go through with it.

Not What It Seems

   I walk around  the hallways of my school wondering about the different kinds of life's i see. Theirs people that look like they have the greatest life but when you look a Little closer you realize it's not true that they are trying to hide what really goes on in their life. you realize that just because a person looks quiet dos not mean they never talk ,that if a person acts mean dose not mean they cant be nice and that if a person talks about somebody else and what they have its not always because it makes them cool but because they are jealous. And then then theirs instant's when you spot that supposedly tough boy or girl crying by the stare case and you realize that their tough side comes from anger berried very deep inside. I always try to picture my self seeing life from their perspective so i can better understand why they do what they do. I don't like to judge people for what they do because i feel their has to be a reason why they do it ,just like theirs a reason i do what i do.